I slept horribly last night. Well, actually, I take that back. I didn't sleep at all last night. I slept this morning. I went to bed around ten, but I couldn't sleep, so at midnight, I took a shower, hoping that would make me feel better. Showers usually do make me feel better. This one didn't. I went back to bed around 12:30, and I didn't fall asleep until 6am. I was up thinking all night, and I just couldn't sleep at all. I even got a glass of water around 3am, and that didn't help at all. So, I fell asleep at/after six, and I woke up at ten. Four hours of sleep, and I'm not even all that tired right now.
Last night, I tried to stop thinking, but so many thoughts were going through my mind. I finally realized how long I've been here, and I can't even believe it. I've been here for half a year, and I still have another month to go. I just can't believe I've been here for that long. I can't believe I let myself stay here for this long.
I've been feeling very sick for the past week, and I think it's all finally getting to me. I think with each day, it gets harder and harder to be here. When I wake up in the mornings, I feel like sleeping for the rest of the day. I just want to keep sleeping until I go home. On certain days, my family doesn't really bother me anymore, but sometimes, I can't even stand to look at any of them.
Yesterday, I didn't eat anything all day, and I didn't realize it until last night, and Mom and I went to WalMart, and she bought tons of snacks, and I ate a bag of chips.
I worry myself sick with everything... like, I hope everything will be the same when I get back, but I think it will feel different. I don't want me going home to be a big deal, either. I just want everyone to pretend I was never gone or something, because I don't want to be the center of attention, and I just want to pretend I was never in Florida for this amount of time.
Mostly last night, I was missing Ryan. I'm sure that's why I couldn't sleep. It's beyond the point of missing him, though. It's more than that.
I miss being able to sleep in my own room. I miss being able to sit on the computer all night long talking to my friends, but even if I didn't talk to them, I wouldn't get sad because I knew I would see them the next day. I miss sleeping in my own bed, and talking on my own phone for as long as I want. I miss waking up on schooldays and actually looking forward to going to school... I can't wait to go home...
I just need his arms around me telling me that I'm fine, and that he won't let another bad thing happen to me... I just want everything to be okay.